sing_for_me | Noctium

[The hand on his arm should feel more present, more solidly there, but it doesn't. He can't immediately place it, but the voice is familiar in a way that stops him from continuing on, though the logical part of his brain insists standing still in this frigid environment is counter-productive. When he looks down at her, the cold is momentarily forgotten, because her presence is more of a shock. He'd been informed by people on the network that others from their own worlds had arrived on this planet as well, that it was possible, yet his first conclusion is that he must be imagining it. Though it shouldn't be her. Connie, Loretta... but not Alex. She's unlikely to be an apparition, not at the forefront of Marco's thoughts in any way.]

Alex.

[Acknowledging her existence brings forth everything he's been trying to compartmentalise and not think about, breaking through the wall of distraction he's built up in the few weeks he's been here. At a loss for words beyond that, he only mutters something about the cold, finally moving to cover her hand with icy fingers.]

But, how…you…you’re—-

[ Loretta had given her the news after they had been reunited, right before she was whisked away to this place. She barely had time to fully react, to sort through her feelings about his and Connie’s death. But the hand atop of his gets her attention, terrifyingly real in the sense of what she thought his state was; as cold as a corpse.]

Cold. You’re really, cold…let’s get you somewhere inside.

[ It was becoming more difficult to move, and these emotions that started to resurface were beginning to weigh down on her. Her hand grips onto his sleeve tighter. She had to ask. Her lip trembles as she tugs at him, her voice straining. ]

Marco…is…is Connie with you? Is she here?

[He nods slightly, thoughts too far away from the present, but making an attempt to focus.]

Yes. Inside, I was... going...

[Somewhere. Any building will do at this point, standing here even this short time making him feel noticeably colder. It shouldn't be this difficult to walk towards the next accessible shelter, but his concentration on it is lost as her expression slows his movements even more. She looks close to crying, a reflection of emotions he refuses to show himself, but he gets ever closer to that point; Connie's name spoken aloud is like a knife in his chest, stopping his heart. Alex's hand is barely warmer than his, but Connie's skin had been hot, almost feverish when Marco had last felt her under his fingers, possibly infection setting in from... Even his more rapid breaths feel cold as he exhales with too much of a shudder for his liking.]

No, she... N-no.

[The stutter can't be attributed to the cold and he forces his stiff fingers to tighten around Alex's and pull slightly, determined to at least make it off the street and out of the snow before he breaks down any further.]

[ Oh…he knows. He must know. But what if he didn’t?

It’s a struggle to put these worries aside, but she has to if they were going to make it out of here. ]

My place isn’t far.

[ If this crazy weather would at least stop hindering them. But the temperature only seems to drop, and the tension of what the other may or may not know, the elephant in the room, only makes it worse. She tries to push through, trudging through think snow while holding on to him. ]

Marco…what do you remember…?

[The slow venture through the snow takes more concentration when he can't be sure he's even moving, the cold dulling most sensations.]

Before I got here?

[It's rhetorical, she couldn't mean anything else, but voicing the unnecessary question aloud gives him a second to compose himself a bit more. The exact moment he left doesn't come to him; it's too faded and indistinct, but leading up to it is clearer and sharp. Taking Connie's hand finally, right before Beretta sliced off his fingers and his leg, a rush of adrenaline from too much Celebrer and he'd taken that support bar and... gory details Alex does not need. What did she even know about what happened? What time had she come from? He knows they can be different, that time isn't linear, brought up in a conversation on the sky station.]

I'd... gone to get Connie back from St- the Destroyers.

[She wouldn't know their names, and maybe not even who they were in any sense.]

It was in the middle of a fight, and I was trying to get her out. The building was collapsing?

[He'd initiated that maybe; he remembers pulling beams down, but nothing beyond it.]

I don't know what happened after that.

[Did anything, or was that the moment he'd been brought here?]

[ That. That makes her stop, her feet starting to feel like they were made of lead. How does she tell him? Should she? Alex wasn’t skilled enough to hide such a thing from him, and he deserved to know. But did he deserve that kind of pain…? Who was she, of all people, to tell. This was something Loretta should do, or Galahad. Hell, Worrick or Nicolas would be better.

The hand on his arm tightens its grip, trembling slightly, before she forces herself to walk again. Eventually, they do make it to her apartment, though it’s apparent that parts of her have begun to crsytallize. ]

[With no response but an increase in dull pressure around his arm, that bit of shaking; Marco can tell that wasn't an answer she expected. Did it make any sense to Alex at all in her timeline? It's something to question later as other concerns take precedence. Once they've made it inside her apartment, it should be warmer, but it isn't.]

Alex-

[Whatever he was going to say leaves him. He'd been so focused on trudging through the snow and getting out of the storm that he hadn't noticed. When did this happen? Parts of her skin are almost reflective, with a purple tint, glass-like; his first comparison before he's reminded of the manna deprivation described to him. She's crystalizing, for one reason or another. Is it the same with him, is that why sensations are dull or nonexistent, and not merely the cold? As he moves to run his fingers over a section of crystal formed along the side of her face, it's evident the same crystallization has manifested in parts of his hand. None of this bodes well, but he finds his internal reaction to it oddly muted.]

... Is this...?

[Unsure how to finish that question, or even what exactly he wants to ask, he leaves it open.]

[ The crystalized parts of the hand that reaches out to her is what brings her attention to the situation. She needs to prioritize, she realizes, but it’s difficult to focus with such heavy knowledge weighing on her mind. Still, she brings a smile to her face, taking his hand in her own. ]

It happens when you lack manna, yes. Though I’m thinking whatever is going on now might be rushing it.

[ She hasn’t had a lack of manna in a while, but every month something weird always happened here. ]

Let’s sit down on the couch first. Hopefully we can synch enough to stop it.

[ Her apartment is bigger than what the government gave them, brick walls lining one side and a small loft to where her bedroom is. A red leather couch covered in blankets is where she takes them to after hanging up their coats (though removing them was a bit awkward in this state). ]

Have you tried syncing with anyone yet, Marco?

[Hopefully she's right and this doesn't happen quite so easily on a regular basis, that manna isn't needed this frequently. Even thinking that, something he had been apprehensive about, he's somehow more removed from the situation than he thinks he should be, a distance that might be more helpful than not. When they're sitting on the couch, he looks down at their joined hands as if he'll begin to feel warmth from that action alone, just... touching, though hadn't they been touching already on the walk back?]

No. How does it... start?

[He'd been lost on how to work with the magic as well when he'd tried it, it sort of happened by itself when he'd concentrated enough.]

Ah…well…it’s not always strong at first. You need to connect emotionally, positively or negatively, though I haven’t tried the latter yet.

[ Alex has thankfully managed to avoid any interactions she hasn’t felt safe with so far.

They hadn’t been directly touching until now, though maybe something about being outside prevented even just a bit of synchrony to pass through, but indoors and settled she feels the emotions well up again. Her grip tightens, seeing the state of him compared to their last meeting. She never saw the bodies of course, only heard of what happened.

Her chest feels hot, stuffy, and a strong sense of shame and protectiveness swirl inside of her. Alex could do nothing for them, and here she was living her new life while they couldn’t. Now all she can do is synch with him—- which she can’t for some reason. Not while they were crystalized like this. Not with this barrier of knowledge that she held back. ]

Marco…I…I’ve been told about different worlds…one that even had another version of me.

[ Hopeful, but doubtful thinking. ]

I don’t know if it’s the same for you…but…before I came here, Miss Cristiano picked me up from Paulklee’s Guild. She told me…that you fought the Destroyers to save Connie.

[ Her throat felt dry, but something began to move in their synchrony, like a dam starting to crack. ]

You managed to reunite with Connie, but…

[ A deep shaky breath in, and she finds it in her to finally look him in the eyes. ]

Both of you didn’t make it.

[The crystalizing probably gets in the way, but he's been deliberately holding down any strong emotions as much as he can since he'd gotten here. That can't help things either. As she talks about other worlds, he nods slightly. He'd known about that, but hadn't given it too much thought in terms of the possibility of other versions of themselves existing somewhere. It's an odd thing to start off with, but then he figures she's trying to explain her timeline; that had been touched on too. He doesn't interrupt, taking her pauses as this being something difficult that Alex needs to say and she maybe has only one try at it. His eyebrows knit in confusion for a moment. Why would Alex be with with Guild? Had something happened with the Benriya? And why would Loretta have to go retrieve her? His questions don't matter though, once she mentions Connie and Marco feels that tiniest pulse of something getting through. But...

It's hard to breathe, as if everything just stopped. His eyes are his biggest tell with emotions, and he wants to look away as the first thorns of grief and sorrow prick along his spine and his heart beats too fast. But there's no disbelief, and it's not the revelation or shock it might have been if he were a less pragmatic person. He can feel his fingers again, dully, but enough to curl them tighter around hers. The crystal patch on his hand splits with a muted cracking noise. When he composes himself enough to speak, there's still a bit of a waver in his voice.]

... I gave the rings to Galahad.

[Alex had been there one day when Connie demanded hers back, and she possibly already knew what his admission meant, but there's an explanation anyway. Because it's something Marco can talk objectively about before this becomes real and he breaks.]

I wasn't... I couldn't go back, after defying Loretta. I was... prepared to die.

[Maybe not right then, but it had been the most likely outcome and he knew that going in.]

But... not for her to. I wanted... to save her.

[Like he had when they were children. Like she'd saved him, by just being there... and letting him feel human.]

[ Alex did know what those rings meant to them.

Like needles piercing her skin one at a time, his pain startled to trickle in until it became a stronger stream. But it was probably nothing, nothing compared to the full extent he was feeling at this moment, not with the way the utter grief reflected in his eyes.

When Alex had heard the news, she was so stunned, so in shock that she could barely react. Like a hollowness that carved itself to protect her from any more emotions. She’d had too many that day, enough to drown her already. But the guilt of not properly mourning a friend haunted her all this time.

So what right did she have to cry now?

Her eyes stung with the threat of tears that started to well up at the corners, clasping both of his hands between her own tightly. It takes a few tries, no words coming out at first when she opens her mouth. Her throat felt tight, as if to tell her there was nothing she could say, and really there wasn’t, but at the same time she couldn’t just leave it as is. Not when this man was ready to lose it all to give Connie that chance, and failed. ]

That’s not true…! You were with her! That means you got to her— If you’d died—- if you had died away from her or if she couldn’t be with you—

[ Alex had seen it, the way Marco had shaken the bright and fun young woman when he has been in danger. She saw the love Connie had for him when she clung to him on his hospital bed. She had felt how much he mattered to her in the grateful hug she’s received for it, in the tone of Connie’s voice when she thanked Alex. It was a kind of love Alex had never seen in her life. ]

It’s not…my place to say, I know that. But Connie…it would have destroyed her…to not be with you.

[ The tears start to fall now against her wishes, tears she hadn’t had in months. It felt so stupid for her to say these things knowing nothing she was still as helpless and useless as she was then. Her intentions may be good, but what use was that? They streamed down her cheeks, dropping onto their hands. ]

And Loretta… there’s no way she wouldn’t have…

[ Of course, the boss of the Cristiano’s was as poised and collected as she usually was, but Alex recognized the emptiness that came with pain. It was hard not to when her eyes were normally far brighter. ]

You mean so much to her…

[ Her head lowers, ashamed of not keeping her own emotions in check when she’d just declared to herself not to long ago to support Marco. But this was different from being able to use her body as a shield or throwing herself in front of somebody to help him. Couldn’t the universe do him one kindness and reunite him with someone who could actually protect his heart? Anger starts to mix in with the sadness, feelings she felt more for him than herself. ]

[His hands start to warm more quickly as she clutches them tightly, her emotions flooding through enough for him to distinguish them from his. It's powerful, as if they'd been held back so long; a mourning of her own. Her words are simplistic and direct, and shouldn't it be more complicated than that? Just to be with Connie for however long he had left, that had been the only thing Marco desperately wanted for himself. It was presumptuous of him not to consider it's what mattered to Connie too. Living without him, or dying alone, would have hurt her terribly; the same excruciating sharp-edged knife that twists now in his very being. It transcends every instance of pain Marco had ever felt, and he's felt so much of it. But this...

He doesn't realise Alex is crying, lost in his own upsurge of despondency and torment, until he can feel her tears damp on his hand. And that's what stops him from being pulled under. She's not crying only for herself, she's upset for him. He slides one hand out of her grip, and gently cups her jaw to turn her gaze back to him. Running his thumb along her cheek to wipe away tears, his response is needlessly contrite, but that tends to come automatically for him.]

I'm sorry I'm making you cry.

[He can't do it himself. Tears have built up in the corners of his eyes, but they won't crest. If he starts crying now, he won't be able to stop, and Alex doesn't need to deal with that.]

[ His touch is gentle, and while it bothers her that he’s trying to comfort her, she doesn’t pull away. Her eyes finally meet his, the tears not stopping yet but her gaze stern. ]

That’s not something you have to apologize for.

[ She knows her pain can’t compare to his, but wasn’t this something to cry about? ]

It’s okay to cry when you’re sad, isn’t it?

[ Alex sees the way his eyes turn glassy, the redness of the corners of his eyes. ]

[Whatever dismissive response or protest Marco might have tried to voice won't come out, just a half-suppressed hiccuping noise as Alex's face becomes too blurry to see and he has to blink and let tears finally escape. He feels an almost compulsory need to apologize again; for losing his composure so easily, for overstepping some sort of boundary with an acquaintance, for being weak and sad and not in control. His hand slides from her face and he presses his fingers to the inner corners of his eyes as if he could physically hold back the stream of tears.]

I need... a minute. I'm-

[His voice cracks and he can't finish.]

[ Alex says nothing, silently and gently pulling him closer from the back of his head, leaning him against her shoulder so his face is out of sight. Allowing him that bit of privacy without leaving him alone. Her other arm wraps around his back, her hand pressing firmly as she strokes him.

He need not explain himself, and she knows there’s nothing she can say to console him. So she’ll do what she knows, and just hold him and his feelings as much as she’s able to. Even with the combination of grief and guilt between them, she still had enough in her to support him. ]

[It's not what he expected, but he doesn't pull back. His movements at first are stiff; hitched breaths and a rigid tenseness in his spine as he tries not to make any noise or allow repressed shudders to run through him. But it doesn't last long. Not with her emotions wrapped up with his and when there's nothing left to say or do but give into it. So he does, accepting her embrace and sliding his arms around her and holding on too tightly, like he's drowning the turbulent sludge of remorse and suffering. His grip loosens as he breaks completely and cries into her shoulder. He'll deal with having embarrassed himself later.]

[ Alex wasn’t sure what was more suffocating, his hold or impact of his emotions as he finally lets them loose. Either way, she doesn’t fight or try to push him away, not minding if bruises were to form. Her own hold doesn’t weaken, supporting his weight as if he might fall apart right onto her floor.

Has she ever heard such a mournful sound? Someone she’s only ever seen stand steadfast by his boss’s side, calm and collected through ambushes, patient and sweet to those he held dear, now just a broken man that was just told that the person who kept him together was no longer there.

The pain in his voice and the tremors of his body shook her heart, as if pain and sadness had manifested itself before her. She was no stranger to it, and yet, it’s been so long since she’s been exposed to the suffering Ergastulum doled out so generously upon those that least deserved it.

She’s upset, but not at him. He and Connie had earned their happy ending, and it was unfair for that to have been ripped away for them. she doesn’t wish to add more to the mix, and yet she can’t help but feel so much for him. Her fingers press into his back and scalp, just with enough pressure. ]

[It was a long time coming, the release of so much that been bottled up; both through the month he'd been in this place and what he'd kept at bay back in Ergastulum. From the moment Connie was taken. Marco didn't cry then; not the moment he'd realised what happened, not when Joel lashed out at him, not when they'd sent him Connie's arm, not when he'd finally seen her again in that state. He couldn't break, not even a little, or he wouldn't be able to help her. But to know it hadn't mattered, that his best efforts and sacrificing everything had ultimately failed in the worst way possible. To have that one shred of hope remaining be shattered and know that was the end. It was the end and yet he's still here, to live in the aftermath with only the heavy weight of defeat mercilessly crushing what's left: fragmented pieces of himself that won't fit back together without her.

He doesn't know how long it's been when the tears finally subside and he really registers the steady and solid pressure of Alex's hands, the growing warmth of her body against him when it had been so cold before. He's slow to pull back from her shoulder as the sharp edges of his emotions begin to dull and he can focus again, but they've left a lingering exhaustion in a way he's never felt before. A lethargy born of despair too great to fully comprehend.]

I'm sorry.

[There's a hollowness to it, and his voice is scratchy.]

I needed more than a minute.

[ It was her turn to wile the trail of tears from his face, her other hand remaining on his back. ]

You can take longer. As much as you need.

[ There was no time limit. Her arms would still welcome his pain.

If anything, having Marco here felt like time had began to move for her again, a slow creak of hands that had rusted over time. She had felt frozen in the final events she’d experienced in Ergastulum, no closure, no knowing what happened to anyone. There were still a million unanswered questions, but there was at least one answer in front of her now.

The crystals that had formed around her had chipped and fallen away, barely any left on her now. Maybe it was the synchrony, maybe it was something more. But her focus remained on Marco. ]

I know…that we haven’t interacted much.

[ Mostly in dangerous situations, and even then it always centered around other people like protecting Loretta, or being with Connie. ]

But please believe me when I say that anything you need, I’m here for you.

[ Saying he wasn’t alone felt like another stab to his chest, so she doesn’t say it out loud, but her feelings pulse through their synchrony, a steady thrum against his cheek. ]

Why don’t you stay with me for a few days? No—- I insist.

[He lets out a deep breath as she gives him that reassurance he doesn't have to be okay, but he knows he needs to start picking up the pieces before he gets stuck and has no nope of moving past things. He needs that determination to kick in as soon as possible, and whether his familiarity with Alex and their shared experiences and associations will make that easier or harder is difficult to predict.]

I'm alright, it's fine...

[For now. He leaves that unspoken even as he covers her hand with his own, but doesn't remove it from his cheek. He still desires some sort of connection to ground him, and maybe he's not that alright after all. But he doesn't want to be a nuisance either and spend all week crying on Alex's couch like a pathetic shell of a man.]

I don't-

[But she's already interrupting his protest, having anticipated it. And he can't help but acquiesce to that tone.]

... If you don't mind.

Of course not.

[ Now that she was capable of offering more, Alex had no intention of holding back. But, she understands his reservations, and that it might not be as easy for him to ask for help. Most of the people she knew back in their world didn’t… ]

To be honest, it would help me a lot. It’s kind of hard being alone here…

[ It’s a chance she’s taking, but she hopes phrasing it in this way might make it sound less like him depending on her. ]

And if you don’t mind… I think hugging you really helped with the crystalizing, and I still feel a bit heavy.

[ She feels bad for the little white lie, though it is true that it helped. Alex just had the feeling he could use more of the contact itself. And to some degree, so did she, deep down.]

Would it be okay to synch for a bit more?

[He'd nearly forgotten about that, the crystalizing. What he'd been initially concerned with when they'd first come inside. It had been derailed, and he feels responsible for that neglecting.]

Oh. Yes, it's... I'll help you in any way that I can, Alex.

[It's an almost desperate need to be useful right now, to give something back if he could.]

[ Her smile brightens, pulling him back into the hug slowly. The hand on his face slides to the back of his neck, her thumb brushing over short hairs idly. ]

Thank you, Marco…

[ She meant it, even if a part of her felt guilty for the relief of having him around. It didn’t seem fair, for him to have lost so much but for her to feel she had gained. But she shoves those feelings back, wanting to leave room for his own and to only allow whatever comfort she can provide. ]

I…I ended up here not too long after… [ after his death ] And I might not know a lot, but if you had any questions, I can try to answer them.

[This time he's more relaxed and there isn't any hesitation to embrace her warmly, even if his emotions still swirl and spike in painful waves underneath. Only once do his fingers dig in a little too much, as he knows when she means. It takes a moment for him to respond, and it feels a bit like letting go of something.]

I know all I need to.

[The details don't matter, and if they do go back to the moment they left someday, he wants to experience it without foreknowledge beyond that which he already has.]

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sing_for_me - 2022-02-18 06:48 (UTC) - Expand

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